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Borowitz Report
  • GOP Lawmaker Demands Recall of Car That Drove Him to Gay Club SACRAMENTO (The Borowitz Report) – Anti-gay California State Sen. Roy Ashburn today demanded a sweeping recall of the vehicle that drove him to a gay nightclub this week. Sen. Ashburn, a Republican who has consistently voted for anti-gay legislation, said that the car drove him to the club “against my will.” “If we are recalling cars for [...]
  • Obama to GOP: I Will Quit Smoking if You Will Quit Being Dicks WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – President Barack Obama today threw down a new gauntlet in the battle over healthcare reform, telling his Republican opponents, “Here’s the deal: I will quit smoking if you will quit being dicks.” While most political observers expected the GOP leadership to reject the President’s offer out of hand, House Minority Leader [...]
  • Decision to Stop Making Hummers Saddens Assholes DETROIT (The Borowitz Report) – General Motors’ decision yesterday to stop manufacturing Hummers has struck at the heart of the group who loved the vehicles most: America’s assholes. Across the nation, leading assholes spoke of a sense of loss and sadness caused by the decision, and suggested that they would now be searching for new ways [...]
  • Toyota Chief Overshoots Congressional Hearings by 150 Miles WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – The reputation of the Toyota Motors Corp. received another black eye today as the president of the embattled company missed his scheduled appearance at Congressional hearings after he overshot Washington, D.C. by 150 miles. Toyota president Akio Toyoda said he was having difficulties with the brakes on his 2010 Toyota Prius, [...]
  • Tiger?s Penis Issues Rebuttal PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL (The Borowitz Report) – Just minutes after Tiger Woods vowed to lead a life of decency and integrity, the golf legend’s penis issued a furious rebuttal. “Let’s make one thing very clear,” Mr. Woods’ penis told a select group of reporters.  “Tiger Woods does not speak for me.” Mr. Woods’ penis sought to [...]
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  • The Oscars Big Moment The big moment at the Oscars occurred when Roger Ross Williams was interrupted while accepting his award.
  • Arabian Rights There are so many people John Oliver wants to thank for the success of the Iraq invasion.
  • Harry Markopolos Harry Markopolos expresses his anger over the SEC dismissing his multiple warnings about Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme.
  • Mail Mary Jason Jones reveals the Catholic Church conspiracy behind the Mother Teresa commemorative stamp.
  • Moment of Zen - Mouthful Mondays at Hooters Gretchen Carlson smells the wings as she announces Mouthful Mondays at Hooters.
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